Fair(l)y Shitty Tale

Once upon a time here was a toilet that had forgotten how to flush.  This made the toilet very sad.  People still used the toilet, and so it filled up with a great stink and mess.  Once a week a cleaner would come and with a plunger and some bleach would wash out the accumulated filth.  But always the problem continued and the toilet wondered if it would ever be fixed.

The toilet thought no one cared that it couldn’t flush, but in fact it was being discussed by many people who worked in the office building in which the toilet lived.
“What will we do with that stupid smelly toilet?” they asked each other.
“There is nothing we can do, it doesn’t know how to flush and never will!  We had best stop using it, the smell is unbearable!” they decided.

And so people stopped using the toilet, and because no one used it the toiet stopped smelling, and stopped needing to be cleaned.  This made the toilet very sad.  Toilets exist to be used, to be warmed by the passing of many people.  One night, after weeks and weeks of isolation the toilet was inconsolable.
“I’m no good,” said the toilet, “I’m a pointless toilet.  I might as well be a sink!”

All of a sudden the extractor fan started to whir.  What is happening, the toilet wondered.  Instead of sucking foul air out of the room the fan was blowing a fine stream of sand into the room.  The sand gathered into a pile in front of the toilet.  As the fan slowed and stopped whirring the pile of sand continued to move and eventually formed the shape of a duck.

“Who are you?” said the toilet, shocked at what it was seeing.
“I am known as Toilet Duck.  I have heard your woes, I know your tale, and I know why you weep and I am going to teach you how to flush.”  And with that a stream of sand started to flow from the duck and into the closed bowl of the toilet.  The toilet could feel the sand swirling the water around inside of it.

From within itself the toilet heard the voice of Toilet Duck, “Feel your waters swirling, remember how it felt to empty your belly!”.

The toilet thought hard, tried to remember how it had felt, and for a moment a memory of its handle being pulled, of the water swelling, swirling and then sluicing away.

“Yes yes!” cried Toilet Duck and as it spoke a single grain of sand zipped out of the bowl and, with all the magical force the toilet duck could muster, zoomed onto the handle.

BphrrshhuUUUuglhglhguglug-slnh went the bowl and the toilet had flushed!

“Toilet Duck, oh Toilet Duck, it worked!  I remembered how to flush!” the toilet exclaimed gleefully.

But Toilet Duck did not reply.  It had been flushed.  Toilet Duck had sacrificed itself to the waters so that the toilet would no longer be sad and could live its life as a toilet should.

The toilet, too moved to speak, said a silent thanks to Toilet Duck and swore that it would never forget the lesson it had been thought and the sacrifice that Toilet Duck had made.  The would go on to prove to those who had doubted that it could ever flush again and soon it became the most popular place in the whole office to leave one’s leavings.

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7 comments
  1. fixoffiction said:

    Totally awesome

  2. Cian said:

    Awesome short story. Very well written. Keep it up 😀

    • “keep it up” thats what she said! Cheers bruh

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Limerick Writers' Centre

Supporting Literature, Arts and Culture in Limerick since 2008.

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NUIG's society for exploring each other's writing in a welcoming environment.

The Lacklustre Emporium

The strange ravings of Joshua Kenehan, writer, illustrator, student, madman.

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